Undistorted Joy

Words that pour from a fractured, patched together heart,

Sometimes, fly in a hailing storm of bullets!

Fired randomly in fear!

When a threat today echoes in the echoes of the traumas of the past;

Triggering an emotional storm; driving the broken one to posture in self-defense;

Paranoid and in confusion, vainly trying to prevent yesterday’s repetition;

There is no rhyme, no reason, and no sense!

No poetry, no prose powerful enough to muffle the bullets and protect

An unwitting target; when missiles, manufactured from thick layers of pain from the past,

Are fired! While the patched together one hides, thinking only of self protection;

Valiantly and covertly seeking to destroy those monsters lingering in closets of the mind;

Ghosts of long ago that haunt in the conflicts, the disagreements, the present threats;

Which quickly magnify and loom with all of the power of original monsters who shattered that heart,

Many years ago …may they find eternal rest in my forgiveness… and in letting them go…

As I die to myself…and submit further to the process until that process is completed…

Please forgive me (as I forgive them), my passive aggressive reflex!

Expressed as words that rained down on you as bullets! You the victim of my fear!

And my sometimes, inability to recognize the difference between then and now;

Those times when paranoia drives my reason under the bed with a shotgun,

To fire at everything and anything that dares to move!

Forgive me please, for internalizing my monsters in an effort to gain control,

Long enough… to patch this heart together and move forward.

Forgive me for pelting you with the bullets intended for them; Forgive this murder in my heart!

Expressed so passively; born in thick, deep layers of pain and swallowed aggression;

Please forgive me, let it all go, and live your life in peace, with abundant blessings!

Don’t allow these randomly fired bullets to lodge and remain to spread their poisonous infection,

That carries the sin of abuse from generation to generation to generation to generation…

Let it all end here!

I have seen the enemy of me and she is me.

This log in my eye has been lifted out and now, I understand.

I am truly, sorry for the pain my words caused!

I’m sorry you were caught in the path of my triggering!

My words that hurt you and triggered the echoing of your own painful past…

May we each walk into our futures, toward greater healing,

Experiencing the metamorphosis of faith,

Available to all in Christ;

Where shattered, mended hearts become new and the echoes of trauma are silenced,

In repentant hearts that by confession expel the poison, stopping the infection of sin;

Hearts purified by forgiving as we both are forgiven.

This is the place where love and justice meet to create lasting peace.

This is undistorted joy!





9 thoughts on “Undistorted Joy

    1. Emotional flashbacks are intense and hard to recognize before the damage is done. I’ve dealt with them all of my life and I do better now, at connecting the dots as to why I’m experiencing such intense emotion but if the trigger is complex enough, it can still get the best of me. The hardest part of healing from childhood trauma is the memory of the injury can be lost but the intense emotions remain. It takes a great deal of work to find those memories and re-attach them to the original event. It requires leaning into triggers rather than avoiding them. Anyway…this may be more than you wanted to know but this is one major way that the disease of abuse spreads.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I could relate well to this poem. It describes the knee-jerk reaction of trying to preserve ourselves. God finds ways to help us if we ask. All we need to do is ask. Great way to communicate the damage we have, good job!


      2. Self-preservation is normal. Not being able to fully discern a threat in the present from incidents in the past isn’t. God has helped me face my past and reattach some events to the emotions they created but some, I’ll never be able to fully retrieve. I stay on top of it most of the time but it can still get me. When it happens, my defense seems reasonable to me then I snap out of it and realize I was fighting ghosts. This was a painful post to write and something I have a lot of regret about because I can’t always make up for the hurt I caused.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. After answering this comment I thought of something I’d like to add. Sometimes the present conflict or threat is very real but cptsd makes it difficult for me to work through the emotions that rise and sort out what I’m reacting too. Usually, I shut down and try to rationalize my way through it. If the trigger is frightening in itself, or so similar to an assault in the past as to actually, be a repeat of past abuse, then I’m on high alert and it’s batten down the hatches time. I don’t melt down over it, not on the outside. I have a lot of self-control…but things I say out of my suspicions can really hurt others. Okay, I’ll stop. I don’t want to go overboard on the explanations…

        Liked by 1 person

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